wedding hells bells

attended my 3rd sisters (which means she is 3rd in order of birth – I have six sisters unfortunately) wedding Saturday and I was actually included in the wedding this time against the sister’s better judgement so I heard. The wedding was held in this big hall out by the lake and the final rehearsal(i skipped the first) was at 2:00 pm on wedding day, actual wedding is at 5:00 pm. So as an usher I’m supposed to escort the older female family members to their assigned seats, all very courtly and proper(I had to wear a tuxedo – hate those bow-ties) and it sounds easy because each chair has the family member’s name on it…no problems right? FAIL! After rehearsal all the last-minute crap is being taken care of so I slip out to my truck for a small shot before wedding and of course spend too long trying to hit the vein so when I get back number 1 sister is angry and looking for me because the pastor has some last-minute instructs for ‘his’ ushers. As he is telling us a couple of things I notice that they have 4 large 15.5 gallon kegs in plastic cut down trash containers covered in ice, and behind that there are bottles and bottles of vodka, whiskey, gin, and basically every alcoholic beverage known to mankind. wow. The reception is going to rock, then a bit later I hear they have a DJ coming out to play music. Wedding/Reception/Drunken dance party. Nice. so as I’m doing my usher duties I realize that these old ladies are going to sit where they want to sit no matter what the sign on the chair says and if you try to reason with them they will tell you to get fucked. Literally. so I just started taking them to where they wanted and in the end it all worked out well. I gained another brother-in-law (C) and my sis gained a 12 yr old step son with very long hair that hangs down in his eyes who talk about skateboarding and skateboards nonstop. After wedding there was picture time, after picture time there was smash cake in bride/grooms face, bride/groom dance, drink, the lighting of the Unity candle (?) and finally yes! we can change out of these monkey suits! So I’m gone like 1.5 hrs changing and recharging (ahem ) and when I get back about half the wedding crowd is gone, the DJ is playing music, and rest of the wedding crowd are already loud, obnoxious, and well on their way to being puking sick shortly! yeah. Ugh. I actually did try 1 cup of beer (Shiner Bock) but I held the cup wrong I guess and got almost all foam. Never been a drinker, most of it tastes like shit anyway I think. See I do write about other things in this blog besides black tar heroin, syringes, spoons, filters, veins, fixing, copping, and all that good stuff! If I can get some pics I’ll try to post a few on here later.


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3 Responses to wedding hells bells

  1. Anonymous says:

    The last wedding eye attended – brother’s – was uncomfortable, but eye never really liked family functions anyway. When eye was little, eye would spend our holiday reunions curled away with a book in another room. Maybe mom shouldn’t have let me, because now eye have practically NO social skills.
    How fun to have a little skater in the family. When eye was 12-13, eye wanted to be one, but couldn’t manage the coordination to ride one.
    Beer- ick. Wishwishwish eye could like BEER! It would make things so simple.
    Hm, sounds like an ok time, and isn’t it funny that people getting completely loaded-drunk is ok, but what you do is *so* bad??? People are silly.

  2. noahnods says:

    Oh absolutely! I dislike ANY family functions and usually I am no longer invited to any so I was a bit surprised that I was offered a part in said wedding. I dont show up for regular holidays instead I like to get as high as I can and hibernate at home! Except for dealers and dope buddies I have no friends, always been a loner and like it that way. God I am so pathetic at times.

  3. Eyelick says:

    Poo, it erased it. But the gist of it was that if we were somewhere like Japan instead of America, we wouldn’t be thought of as pathetic because we’re not extroverted. And that you probably looked good in your outfit, even though you hated wearing it.

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