typical addict behavior

I’m dreading the FUCK out of tomorrow – at 08:00 I have to sit thru a root canal on one of my upper molars and even though I inject myself several times a day that big stainless steel syringe that the dentist always try to hide as they numb up your mouth absolutely terrifies me! It feels like that needle is the size of an ice pick and it kind of makes a squeak noise as it slides into that soft tissue in your mouth. I know they don’t insert it very deep but it sure feels like it to me – like 4-5 inches deep! God I hate that so much and I get so nervous they take my blood pressure before they get started! Anxious as hell is an understatement – I’ll have a nice sized shot before I go in there tomorrow morning that is for damn sure.

We had several tornadoes here last evening/night – I have a storm cellar next to my house that will hold about 12 people and several ‘neighbors’ decided to come over just in case. The only time I ever see them is when tornado warnings are sounding but I don’t mind.

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For Sale

East Coast powder for sale online. Looks yummy indeed huh? I can’t remember the price exactly but it was rather expensive. Take a trip on the Silk Road for more ‘bargains’ heh.

Sat night I’m laying on couch nodding(of course) with the TV on college football, waiting on J and his gf to show up so we can go out to the Jockey Club inside a casino close to my place and at 10:53 pm I hear the dishes on the table start to rattle, then my house starts shaking, groaning, and creaking like an old wooden ship in a storm. WTF?! I notice then the couch is moving but not up/down it’s moving left/right – the whole time I hear like a deep bass like moaning. Yes folks it was an earthquake, right here in Oklahoma and it was a 5.6 on the scale and it lasted 58 seconds. Usually I’m dodging tornadoes, or high winds, but not earthquakes! Not to be outdone – in the weather scene today (Nov 7th 2011) they are forecasting tornadoes, large hail, and strong winds for this area later this afternoon. Fucked up weather in Oklahoma and earthquakes too. I need to move to Seattle.

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the ‘wait’.

Damn I hate the ‘wait’, seems like I’m waiting all the effin time. Supposed to meet her this morning at 5:30 at the clinic where she takes her sister but of course I get there about 10 minutes late and no sign of her! Did I miss her? Call her phone now dammit! Shit! Even her voice mail is full – hell it’s always full and she keeps it that way so junkies like me cannot leave desperate messages like “where the hell are you! I’m need to get well badly!!” so eye (heh!)wait. Anxiously biting the nubs of what once were fingernails I check out each oncoming car hoping that the next one will be her. While doing the ‘wait’ time passes so slowly that you are sure it’s been 1/2 an hour yet when you glance at your watch it has been a little over 9 minutes! WTF! All sorts of scenes play out in my head: she was pulled over and popped, she overslept and right now is warm in bed while I sit here waiting, there was a wreck on the expressway so she is sitting there in traffic not moving and getting angry thinking to hell with this I’m going back home!, even though it has never happened yet just this one time she happens to be out and cannot get anymore…Gah!! Cmon girl!
Please show up! I repeat this over and over – it’s become my mantra Please show up please show up. About this time I regret drinking that Coke this morning because now I have to piss badly! fuck!shit! I’m thinking about going into the clinic to piss when from behind a Cintas truck (“We are the Uniform People”) she pulls in right behind me. I glance at my watch 7:28, she is almost 2 hours late, not too bad. The sister exits the passenger side and hurries across the street to the clinic while I’m watching in my rear view mirror, then my girl leaves her car and gets in my truck. The smell of her perfume envelopes me, mmmmmm damn she smells good but I’m anxious, nervous, and irritable so give me the shit dammit. She mutters “Sorry, sis was late getting around” as she hands me 2 black plastic wrapped balls. I hand her the cash which she counts then sticks in the front pocket of her jeans “call me later on and I’ll tell ya where to meet for the other thing” she says and then pops open the door and is gone. The other thing is buy for the weekend which will involve considerably mo-money which I happened to win at the casino last night (Triple Freedom Reels-3 dollar bet for $900.00 yes!) and I can even buy some freakin groceries now. I pull out and head over to the Valero station over on north Kelly where they have an old car wash and behind that a wooden fence that hides your car perfectly once you pull in and you can leave by going forward or backward just in case. I get situated and pull out my salvation bag then pop open the glove box for the small bottle of Dasani ‘tap’ water and fix a smallish pick-me-up. That was the easy part, the hard part is finding a fucking vein that I have access to and that will cooperate with me. By now my nose is starting run and I’m having to sniff it back up in there every couple of seconds and it’s driving me crazy! I take 3 breaths and then sniff, 3 breaths then sniff…grrrrr. I end up having to take my Doc Marten boot off of 1 foot and there by my knobby ankle I find a vein that is small but will work if I go everrrr sooooo slooowwwwly…awwww taste in mouth, face flushing a bit, mmmmmm yes thatsss got it. “That’s how to feel better” I say out loud in a hoarse, raspy voice. I clean up, get my boot back on, light a smoke then head off to work. I notice that my nose is no longer running heh. The ‘wait’ was of course worth it. If you score the ‘wait’ is always worth it.

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Monday monday…or was it?

woke up early yesterday and like every morning I get high then I usually start getting ready for work. I did my normal shot but GD did I get high. After staggering around for a while and trying to smoke a cig which I kept dropping (finally held it over the sink and turned on the water then threw in trash) I was just too high to drive anywhere so I called in sick to work. Too early for anyone to be there so I leave a msg on my bosses phone saying I’ve been up all night puking and won’t be in. I will still get paid for this day as long as I have sick leave which I do surprisingly enough. grab my pillow and the old quilt I keep on my bed as a bed spread and head into the living room to nod and watch tv. Since I can’t afford satellite tv and cable has not made it out this far into the boonies yet I watch Antenna TV alot now. Old shows from 70s and 80s plus the occasional movie. J had left a bottle of xannie bars at the house so I decide to eat a couple of those and really enjoy myself. As a result I really don’t remember too much about yesterday until a friend shows up around 8pm. heh. I get cleaned up and we head out to the local casino where I eat something (club sandwich) for my first meal of the day. Food is surprising cheap and plentiful at the casinos if you get their ‘special of the day’ items plus all the Coke-a-Cola you can drink and ice cream for free. heh. I think there are like 23 casino’s within a 100 mile radius of me, and two are very close to my house. All on Native American land (Indian) – Oklahoma – Land of the Native Casinos. I often watch people when I’m at casinos and it’s probably not surprising that I hear them arguing quite often about money: rent or house payments, car payments, grocery money, and utility payments being spent all in the hope of hitting it big. This very seldom happens unless you are prepared to spend money to make money. Rarely someone will have just plain dumb luck and hit it for a couple of thousand but usually you have to spend several hundred, or more to hit a nice payday and that is a big maybe. I watched an older couple last night, they were probably in their late 40s and this guy had been drinking (yep beer is cheap on purpose) was playing the $5.00 slots (Mr Money Bags) and his wife was damn near in tears but then he got a ‘red spin'” which is a free spin so you always win money and I guess he got back almost all of what he had drunkenly spent – she said “CASH OUT NOW!” when it looked like he was going to play some more and he finally did then…I see that scene played out over and over in these casinos. Then here I am wasting all my money on dope that I shoot into my body. No difference really.

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and a cold rain will fall while burned broccoli stinks

decided to try to eat something healthy last night so I put on a pot of frozen broccoli to cook (add salt and some water, but not too much, cover, and let the heat do it’s thing) and while it was cooking I decided that there is no time like the present to fix. pulling my salvation bag outta my backpack I extract the tools of my trade – nicely cupped spoon with “Visit Maryland” etched on it, a little baggy of those cool little cotton BBs I use for filters, a pack of fresh syringes (6 per bag ReliOn brand from WalMart), my trusty Zippo with the US Flag engraved on it (a present from my ex-gf and the 2nd zippo I have with a flag on it), and last but for sure not least a little crusty dark chunk of mono-morphine and God knows what else is mixed with it better known as tar heroin- your bitch and mine. Practiced hands quickly convert the crusty chunk into an inject-able dark colored liquid that looks like tobacco spit. ugh. I find a usable vein kinda on the back of my leg above the knee and whoooooo damnshit uhhuh…I clean up a bit, putting most everything up, lean back on the couch and think about lighting a cig. Suddenly I smell something burning. Oh shit. I’ve nodded off and all the water boiled out of my broccoli! Goddamn the kitchen is filled with stinky burned broccoli smoke! I stagger around opening windows, turning on the ceiling fans trying to get the burned stink out of the house. Damn that is good shit. I also noticed this morning that I could still smell it in the kitchen. So much for trying to eat something, even something healthy.

Supposed to help one of my sisters move tonight. This happens often when you happen to own a truck, but since it is raining and supposed to rain the rest of the day I’m hoping that I can escape this task and just go home and get high. I mean I’ll get high either way but I would rather be in the privacy of my own home away from probing eyes and prying questions. “Oh look Noah is high yet again” “Noah, I can’t believe you came over here to help me and you were high!” “Noah you need some freakin’ help” blah blah blah. I almost wish I had to work late.

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Fall Update

cool and rainy weather here today and tomorrow. fits my mood perfect these grey, dark, and wet days. met my new connect this morning and she just has the best dope right now. I have to be careful with the stuff too – she warned me and I’m glad she did because if I had done my usual amount I may have had a spot of trouble. “I’ll proceed directly to the intravenous injection of hard drugs please”. She is a bit pricey but always answers her damn phone and so far always has it which is all I ask now. works at a bar in the Paseo District but basically leaves anytime she needs to and comes right back. hell I asked her to move in with me but she laughed and said I live too far out in the woods! she thought I was kidding I think but with H like that I was serious! I gave another girl a ride home from the clinic one day and got her number as a favor for the ride home. Damn glad I gave that gal a ride home that day. So I had a double root canal last week, 2 hours in the chair as they drilled away. God I hated the sound of that drill – I have to get 2 crowns now, then 4 fillings and my teeth will be OK for a while. Thank the Gods for dental insurance – just the root canal alone was over $800.00 and that is not including the crowns. Take care of those teeth kids!

On the job front I am still gainfully employed as of this writing, and soon to be attending classes for advanced SQL and .NET – still have to work out how I’m going to get well through-out the day when these classes are going on, they frown when you are even late much less absent. Lots of turmoil right now over IT jobs with the State. The legislature passed a new law saying all IT functions would be through the Office of State Finance now instead if each agency having their own IT dept – supposed to save a shitload of cash and no more redundant systems. So people with like 28 yrs of service now don’t even know where they will be working at this time next year and of course they are giving out NO information. I can understand their frustration though, but if I had all those years of service I would not be too worried about my job with maybe an early retirement in the works or something like that.

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damned if I’m not in it again…

Yes I screwed up. Yes I knew when I started again I was fucking up. I still know I am screwing up and yet I just can’t stop. Over a period of 2 months I got my methadone dose down, then down some more until I just stopped at 25mgs. Ugh. Fucking mistake. They told me at the clinic that it was too soon, too fast, I was not stable and while I listened to them cite the reasons why I should not stop, I knew all along I just wanted to use. Then 12 days of torture, mental begging as I tried to justify that one shot. 12 days of nothing, 12 days of feeling like absolute shite, things did not smell right, the sunlight did not look right, no appetite, countless packs of cigs, then I call J’s sister looking for him – she answers in the tired, gravelly, slurred voice of someone who has had a nice shot minutes before and just like it was supposed to be I ask where I can score…she laughs softly and whispers “right here lover” and off I go, stopping at the ATM on the way to procure sufficient cash for the shit T is peddling. I don’t buy a lot, foolishly telling myself that one shot, maybe two just to feel better then I was going to figure out what the hell to do before this becomes a full blown run. Goddamn did that shot rock my world. I think I hit the “H” spot. I could not get the smile off my face as I struggled to keep my eyes open then closing them for a few seconds until someone said something or laughed then I would attempt to keep them open for a while, slowly letting my head droop down. Awwww blessed be thy name my god Heroin. No. Problems. At. All. Several hours later with a goodly amount hidden safely away in my rucksack I felt the first faint flicker of guilt. Failure. Relapse. Shit.

So forth and so on. I’m back to using every damn day again, back to the whispered phone calls, back to the anxiety of wondering if ‘they’ will answer their phone, if they will have the dope, back to having no spending money, back to the long sleeve shirts, back to puking in the morning, or at night, or just after a shot, or puking because I have not had a shot. My girl friend of 7 months moved out and is staying back at her moms house, she hates it when I use and told me she would leave if I did. She was true to her word. No amount of pleading, begging, crying, and manipulation will get her back. When she did come back it was to get more of her shit – DVDs, clothes, her guitar, and some pictures. I was nodding on the floor by the couch the whole time and when she was leaving I got up and she gave me a hug but as she did I could see the revulsion on her face. It hurt and I know she won’t be back. Even before the sound of her little Hyundai faded away I was in the process of fixing – soon after that all the pain went away. Pathetic huh? Yeah I know.

I ran out Saturday night and went all day Sunday(yesterday) without – I was sick, grouchy, just a fucking wreck, burning up people’s phones, yelling, screaming, calling in favors, being hung up on – no sleep at all so I finally got my guy to meet me @ 4:30 this morning on I-35, he was on his way back from a run to Dallas. At the rest stop and in between pukes I managed to get a rig loaded as the sweat rolled down along my nose mixing with the snot that was already there and with trembling, puke stained hands I injected a large-ish amount in a thick vein in my crotch area and now I am flying fast and low to the ground without a parachute but I feel a fucking million percent better…Awwww God. My life is shambles, i’m behind on all my bills, i have no cash, no gas, truck is on it’s last leg, my boss has given me the evil eye when I’m late (which is way too often) and right now I don’t give a flying rat assed fook!

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